, 10 min read
21 Years Old: I Have NO Friends
I'm 21 years old and I have no friends, and I'm just gonna go into why that is.
Tonight I'm extra lonely, just out and about by myself as always, and I'm just gonna make a video about why I have no friends and I'm gonna start from the very beginning.
So once upon a time when I was born 21 years ago. My parents thought it was a great idea to not socialize me as a child. Meaning, that we were a homeschool family, and I was the second to last child, which if anybody knows, the second to last child of eight children. Anybody, who knows or who's in a big family, knows that parents put in less and less effort with each child, and after child number three it gets pretty neglectful. So the older children got socialized. They got to do things and I grew up from age zero to five with not a single friend. Not a single friend.
Church
We went to a church which had a bunch of people, but they were all old people.
I remember old people and I remember I tried to make a friend with a girl, and I was chasing her around saying hi, hi, at five years old or four. And that didn't work out so well.
Then from age five on I remember feeling so jealous at that.
I remember being so jealous of my older siblings, an older sister in particular, because she had friends, because she went to this group, which was made for teenage girls. So she got to hang out with a bunch of teenage girls her age and I remember every time we drop her off and pick her up. I felt so jealous that she got to go and I didn't because I wanted friends and I was lonely. And I also remember this time when I was following my brother around when their friend would come over, who was a guy and they would exclude me completely. Sometimes just telling me to leave or just completely ignoring me, because I was the little sister. So that was my experience from age zero to five. Then we moved to Wisconsin to a teeny tiny town. And from five to twelve I also didn't have any friends. They really didn't think it was important to socialize me with anybody.
We did go to church and I was pretty shy. And again, there wasn't really anybody my age, because I don't know, if people know this, but first of all when you're young, like from age five to twelve, you're kind of in this awkward age group. where the teenagers are cool and like the teenagers won't be friends with you, because they're teenagers and it seemed like there was only teenagers at that church. Teenagers and older people just ignored me, like nobody talked to me. Basically from zero to twelve, zero socialization. As a homeschool family we didn't do anything. I mean what is there, where would a family go, to make friends.
Public school
So, I grew up extremely alone and just far away from all civilization. Obviously, that probably didn't help my social skills. Then after age 12, I got put in public school, which was good. This is kind of where it gets tricky. I don't know why, I didn't make friends. I mean every day in high school I had friends. I had pretty good friends, like I would call them friends. I would never call them close friends, but I hung around with a group of girls and the best thing about high school was that there was no drama for me. None at all. I wasn't included in any drama and it seemed like it was because everybody, every single person, including my friends, kept a distance from me. I don't know why that is. I really don't know what is with me that people kept a distance.
I remember one girl really hated me for a couple years. But for the last couple years of high school, we were great. But at one point she really made it seem like I was super stuck-up, and she just thought that I was proud and stuck-up, which I won't defend myself. But I don't think I am. I think it was because I'm shy. So sometimes people misinterpret shyness and quietness for being judgemental. So when somebody's really quiet, you assume they're being judgmental of you. Actually I know that firsthand because there was a girl in high school, who was super quiet around me and I really thought she was judging me hardcore. I have no idea if she was or not to this day. She might have been, but I absolutely believe she was judging me. But anyway, I just don't know what it was about high school. I don't know if I didn't have social skills or what.
In high school I felt like I was friends and on good terms with everybody, like everybody was my friend, everybody would talk to me. There was no drama. Nothing bad happened, but at the same time no one was close to me. I don't know if it was me. I don't know if I didn't let anybody close to me. I think at the time, I mean obviously pretty much every high schooler will say this, but it was a very like depressed and dark period of life.
In high school everybody's like depressed, but I was especially depressed and maybe I just wasn't letting anybody in. I don't know what another thing was: I always felt like I was in too much pain or I was too complicated for anybody to really understand, so I probably didn't try that hard, because I always felt like I was going through more and had harder problems than other people. Which I know that probably sounds horrible, but I think almost everybody can feel that way about themselves. I guess that might be part of it.
Another thing was, I didn't feel like I connected with anybody and since it was such a small school, I only had twenty classmates. I think that was also a part of it, because how are you expected to find like a great friend out of 20 people. I honestly don't think too many people did find good friends in that tiny school.
Homecoming queen
I'm gonna wrap this up. After high school I graduated and I won homecoming queen. So, I wasn't unpopular. I'm just saying like that as an example as a proof that that I wasn't hated in high school.
Everybody liked me, but somehow I just didn't make any friends. I was homecoming queen, but anyway, I didn't make any friends that lasted. I really wanted to — but maybe not, maybe not with anybody at that school. I think it was just because I didn't feel like I connected with anybody. Maybe they sensed that as well.
Anyway, I graduated. None of my friends stuck with me. I actually didn't see anybody after high school except for one person. So I didn't see anybody really after high school. Nobody really talked to me and I have reached out to a couple classmates and they all said that they have lost track with each other too.
So everybody has lost track of each other, which, I guess, people I guess it happens when people graduate high school.
I didn't go to college because I was terrified to, and I felt inadequate and I felt like I couldn't do it and I was stupid and I would never pass. I felt really intimidated.
- I was terrified of college students.
- I was terrified of the process.
- I was terrified of the money and the debt
So I didn't go to college.
Making friends
So, obviously, I haven't made any college friends. Then it's like, well, how do you make friends? Then you've got only the option to make friends as co-workers and like going. I don't know going to some kind of class or group or something but in church. So after or during this time after graduating I've tried everything. I've gone to church. I've tried to go to church and find people to be friends with. I've joined Meetup and I've done a couple meetups. I've reached out to people to try to go to coffee.
Well, what else have I done? I don't know, but with my work friends I never really made friends at my last job. Not really at any job. It's the same thing. I don't know what it is with me. I truly don't. I must be completely blind to myself, but I have no idea why people don't want to be friends with me. Like even people that I do very much like. When I find somebody that I do very much like and I want to be friends with and I reach out to them, and I'm trying my best I'm being friendly and inquisitive and asking about them and like really trying like putting an effort to be friends and it doesn't happen. When I find somebody that I think is super cool, which is pretty rare, but it's like they're too cool for me. I don't know. I really I mean, honestly, if anybody knows.
I'd love to know why people aren't friends with me.
Recently I went to a meet-up and I met a girl that I loved, I just loved her. I thought she was super cool and I wanted to be friends, but it's like you meet her, you talk, you talk for hours the day, and then nothing happens. Nobody reaches out to anybody. I'm too afraid to. It happened again on a different meetup, where I went to coffee with a lady and I talked to her for hours, like many, many hours. The conversation just flowed, and nothing came of that either. Nobody has reached out to anybody and I'm too scared to, because she's too cool. I don't know, but anyway, the moral or what it all comes down to, is that I'm 21 years old and I have no friends. No friends at all. And might I add that my relationship with my family is non-existent, so I have no support system, no friends, nobody to turn to, nobody to hang around. Nobody to do fun stuff, with nobody to vent to. Nobody to count on and nobody's there for me. I've always been alone my entire life, my entire existence.
I've been alone and it bothers me so deeply, because all I ever have wanted is people in my life and friendships in my life and good connection and close people. I don't know why it doesn't happen. I don't know and it's pretty hopeless. It's pretty depressing because I'm so sick of going around and living my life completely alone.
Final thoughts
Anyway, that's it. I mean I was maybe supposed to say something uplifting at the end. But there really isn't. I mean I wasn't coming to any kind of point. I was just doing a timeline of my life without any friends and that I don't have friends now, and that I've been trying, and it's super hard
But I guess, the final thing is that I'm fine. I'm good with being alone as in I can survive. I have a really good mental mindset at this point in life. I've really learned a lot. I think I'm strong and capable to get through it. I think being alone is beautiful in a way, and that you can only count on yourself and everything. So I'm getting through it, but I just want things to change, you know, want things to change.
Feel free to comment and if you made it through the video I'll give you a prize, which I don't have but I just wanted to say that, congratulations. I bet nobody has. If anybody has made it to the end, comment "Pizza" in the comments.
If you finish this video and I will, I don't know, I'll think that's great I'll make my day because I'm confident nobody will make it this far. I don't even think anybody would click, but yeah, I'm kind of to the point like of desperation, where I'm reaching out to the whole vast majority of the populace of the world, just kind of like begging for somebody to give a damn. You know, like, I think a lot of people reach that point, where they're like nobody cares, like nobody is in my life and completely alone in the world I have no support and I'm just kind of reaching out to the world for some kind of support anyway.
Goodbye.