, 9 min read
When you feel like you have nothing to offer, you can do this
You don't have to do anything. You're valuable on your own. Just sit there be yourself. Like, that's the kind of advice that people give already, and it doesn't work. It goes over your head. They're not — we're not — in the right mental mindset for that to be effective. So, I'm working with it. I'm speaking your language by saying,
Okay, you feel like you have nothing to give. You feel like you must give something in order to deserve being there.
This is what you can do to fix this. This is actually what you can do. Welcome! I'm so glad you're here. Truly this talk, honestly, this is just for a few of us. Many of you won't relate because many of you are perfectly healthy individuals, emotionally healthy, actually. That's about 1% of you. But this specific issue maybe not many people relate. There's a man who comes to our group gatherings once a week, and throughout the entire thing, he'll sit in the corner, looking sulky and grumpy, and he'll pretty much ignore people. He has a glare on his face, and he leaves, pretty obviously upset, almost every time. And for those of you who wouldn't be able to understand what's going on, you would think,
Stop sulking in the corner. What are you doing? Put a smile your face. Talk to people. Be nice! Stop being a wallflower!
What is going on? There's honestly a little bit of anger and frustration and irritation at behavior like that for some of us. We can understand what's going on because sometimes we're those people. So I'm talking to you, those people who, when in a group, you might be tempted to sit in the corner, look a little grumpy on the outside, but we know what's going on on the inside, and I'll get to that. You won't talk to people, and you'll leave feeling very upset. And I want to talk about what's going on and something that we can do that can actually fix it a little bit.
What's actually going on in his head? I have talked to him actually, so I know this is true, but this is what I always knew what was going on. It is basically he has the internal belief, strongly ingrained in him, that he has nothing to give to other people. He has nothing that other people need. That's something only few of us are going to relate to, but when you feel like you have nothing to offer other people, it usually accompanies other thoughts like,
People are judging me. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares about me.
Those sounds kind of like victim mentality things to think. But a lot of us just have those thoughts or those beliefs in our heart, and we never share them with anyone. The only way that it comes out is when we're in a group of people, and we don't speak. We don't feel like we can speak. We don't feel like we have anything to share that people would like to hear.
We don't feel like we have anything to give that another person needs. But I've been thinking a lot about that. I know what he's going through. I know what that's about. I know that feeling's about.
I'm going to give some actual facts that are going to challenge that belief. So, the thing I'm going to share in this video, it can't actually solve the root problem, the belief in your heart. I don't know how to do that, actually. But I can help change your outward behavior, and I can challenge that belief just a little bit with these facts. Also, it's not going to blow your mind. It's not going to be this huge thing. They're little, but they're very important.
I am rereading "How to Win Friends and Influence People", and it's been so great to reread that. I really hope everybody reads that. It's been showing me again and again, and over and over that you don't have to be in a place of power. You don't have to have be in a place of influence. You don't have to have anything at all. You can be yourself. You can give something to someone else that is extremely valuable. And those — there are many things that I will share, as many as I can remember. These are things that I can do, you can do, anyone can do, and it will be giving something. You will be sharing something of value. This is what you can do in social settings, and this is what I want to tell that man: it doesn't matter who you are, if you smile at someone, anyone. It's going to make them feel good every time. If you smile a friendly, warm, kind smile, it will make them feel good. And what does everybody want? People want people who are nice to them. It's pretty simple. People like people who are nice to them, who are kind, who are just good people. So, that's all you need to be is smile, give a smile. If you feel like you have nothing to give, give a smile. Honestly, if you're at a really empty place, you can end there. You don't even have to do more. But giving a smile, and you will already be providing something of value. Another thing is, instead of thinking,
Does this person like me? Are they judging me? What do they think of me? Am I doing this right?
Know that you can almost never fail or never do it wrong if you ask about the other person. All you need to do is show interest, genuine interest, in the other person. Ask how their day is, ask how they are, and listen to them intently for their answers. None of this can be faked. If you have zero interest whatsoever in this person, I recommend not doing this because it'll come off as insincere.
But if you're looking to make a good impression, or if you genuinely want to be friends with somebody, but you don't know how, smile. Say hi. And even that it might be difficult to just say hi to someone if you're shy.
But again. just remember, everybody wants people who are nice to them. Everybody wants somebody who is kind and likes them. So, if you show that you like somebody and you say hi, you greet them, you ask — it just depends on the setting. These are things that you can do that will always leave a good impression, will always be of value to somebody else. Basically, making the other person feel important, making them feel seen. Honestly, the best, biggest thing you can do is make another person feel seen. If you do that, they're going to love you.
I definitely don't want to be misunderstood because I don't want people to think I'm saying that in order for you to deserve being around other people, you must give them something. That's not true. Ideally, what we're working towards is for people like us to feel completely comfortable in a group and feel like we have no pressure. There's nothing — like, we don't have to do anything. We don't have to be anything. We can just be ourselves. We can just be there. There's no pressure to give, because a lot of people who feel they have nothing to give on the inside, if they feel that worthlessness — I am scared to say that word, but if they feel that inside their desire is to give. We feel we must give in order to deserve being in other people's presence. We must give something, we must provide something of value, or else we don't deserve to be with you or in this group. So, because I understand that mindset, I'm working with that. It's like I'm kind of giving you what you want, and once you work on that, you will start to become more comfortable. And once you're more comfortable, you'll realize,
Okay, I can be more of myself.
If I just told someone who feels worthless on the inside, if I said,
You don't have to do anything. You're valuable on your own. Just sit there. Just be yourself,
Like, that's the kind of advice that people give already, and it doesn't work. It goes over your head. They're not in — we're not in the right mental mindset for that to be effective. So, I'm working with it.
I'm speaking your language by saying,
Okay, you feel like you have nothing to give. You feel like you must give something in order to deserve being there.
This, okay, this is actually what you can do to fix this. There are so many things that we can do, and basically, it all revolves around focusing on other people: their wants, their needs, their desires, their interests, all of that.
This is how you can make sure — this is how people will like you — is:
- if you are kind to them,
- if you are friendly,
- if you smile,
- if you say hi,
- if you greet them.
These are all things that you can do. It's within your power, and it will for sure work every time, almost every time
- being genuinely kind to the other person,
- showing genuine interest,
- listening,
- asking about them,
- showing genuine concern,
- all of that.
Maybe giving a compliment if it is genuine, giving appreciation / acknowledging when somebody does something, their hard work.
So, all of this is effective ways to give — so once you start to give, you'll start to feel more comfortable. So I'm repeating myself. But I think I clarified that pretty well.
All right, these things, they don't solve the inner problem, the heart problem of that belief that you have nothing to offer. It does challenge that belief, and it kind of makes you think,
Oh, that's actually not true. At the very least, I have these things I can offer people.
And I believe you have so much more you can offer, but this is for people who are just starting out with that personal growth stuff, trying to figure out who they are and what they can give.
There's so much you can give, but I know what kind — what that mindset is, that limited mindset. I know what that is, when you think you're completely worthless. So, that's why I'm starting tiny. These are the tiny steps that you can do, and this is just the very beginning of challenging that belief system. I just love this because these are practical things. These are practical things that you can do in social settings that are guaranteed to work. It's just — it's because this is human nature, as long as you're genuine in your approach.
Basically, the key is to focus on the other person. If you are focusing on the other person, and if you make them feel good, they're going to like being around you. For me, it's been incredibly helpful to have this realization that when you feel like you have nothing to give, remember this, you actually do have something to give. It's pretty simple. It's pretty easy. You can do it. Anyone can do it. It doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter how much value you think you have.
Anyone who does this will benefit another person. Think of anyone who could do this for you, and how much it would mean to you if somebody showed you genuine interest, if somebody acknowledged your presence or said,
It's so nice to see you.
Anything like that, making the other person feel special.
I hope I made all that clear. I'm gonna end it here. I hope that was useful, and I'm so sorry I'm squinting in the sun. I'm doing it for lighting. I hope it works. I hope it looks good. I'm probably gonna go blind after this.
I will see you next time. I'm so sorry I'm not posting a lot lately. I'm trying to get better at it. I have so many video ideas. Thanks so much for being here. As always I appreciate it. Hopefully I will see you very soon.