_Myra_West_

, 12 min read

I hate dating

YouTube

I'm going to record another video on how stupid dating is, and how much I hate it. How I'm not going to ever do it again. I'm so frustrated.

Stupid YouTube videos

I'm just like brooding over it right now. I'm at a Rover house and I'm just thinking about how well I was listening to a lot of YouTube videos about how to get him attached to you within the first two weeks, and how to make him never want to lose interest, and how to keep his interest in blah blah blah, and how to get your hooks in him really fast before he loses interest in you. All these stupid dating videos.

I can't believe that I have allowed myself to go down that rabbit hole of Doom of going on those stupid YouTube channels and researching like how to get him hooked on you, how to get him crazy about you, blah blah. Because dating is so unnatural. You are strangers. You've never met before. And then you go on a date. You might be excited before the date. You might have all these high expectations, and you're probably fantasized about who this person is. So chances are you're going to be disappointed when you meet them. And then like they get one shot, one shot. This stranger, who you've never met before in your entire life, gets one shot. And I was just thinking today, it's exactly like an audition, not quite an interview, it's an audition. You're auditioning for the part. And if you are nervous for your audition or you mess up your words on your audition or you're just not quite yourself, you're maybe tired or not having a good day. You bomb the audition and you never get a call back.

Audition scenario

It looks like I'm having a mental breakdown. No, I'm just so angry. Like one chance. And if they are nervous, I should just come clean. That person is me, okay? It's me. I am the person who somebody gives one chance to, and I am the one, who is nervous and I probably mess up on the day. I'm not my true self. I don't act fun or silly or goofy or funny because those things do not come out of me until I feel comfortable and safe with somebody. But you don't get time to get comfortable or feel safe with somebody, because they're a stranger and you have no relationship with them whatsoever. So, of course, you're gonna fear judgment, and, of course, you're gonna feel the pressure of being on an audition.

There's no way that I'm actually gonna post this because I'm screaming. And then like how to keep somebody's interest and try to keep them interested in you, like and work hard for it and do all these tricks and games and like say exactly the right thing and these certain texts you're supposed to send. It's all stupid bullshit. It's all stupid, and I refuse to take part in it. I refuse.

What a mistake it is. Such a mistake to meet a stranger with an expectation to be in a relationship with them. It also gives you such an all-or-nothing mindset. If you don't feel the instant connection with that person and you don't feel instantly attracted or instantly interested, you're done. You're onto the mat, onto the next, onto the next. And it's easy. It's easy to leave because you have no attachment with that person whatsoever.

Point is, I think a better way to do it, that gives a fair shot to everyone, including those of us who are nervous or awkward or unable to be ourselves on the first date, is not to date. That's the best way. Don't date!

I keep doing this where I'm like,

"Oh, I'll just, I'll try it. Like I'll try like online dating, and I'll try going on a date."

And then when you end up liking somebody and fucking it up because you're not, you're not able to be yourself on a first meeting and you're nervous and closed up, I don't even know what I'm saying with that thought. Gosh, I don't even know what I was gonna say. But point being, it's not natural.

No more dating

The way that I need to do it from now on, I am giving myself, I am for, I'm gonna do it this way from now on is, you go to groups. You go to hiking groups, you go to yoga classes, you live your life. You go to a race car track and race your car because I've considered doing that. You're rock climbing. You join an improv group, you join a theater group, you do everything that you want to do with your life. You go to college, you take college courses. And then there you are interacting with the same group of people every week or every couple of days or every day. You're with the same group of people, and you are able to develop a normal, natural connection, a human connection, where there is feeling and where there's actually like some trust built and some kind of foundation and some safety instead of feeling like you're on a fucking audition.

I'm so sick of it, and I did it to myself. But so many mistakes are made. I don't like the all-or-nothing mindset. I would like to get to know people, you know, dating apparently is not for people genuinely wanting to get to know people. It's about:

I'm so jaded right now. This is so bad. These are not my actual thoughts. Well, they are, but it's all jaded with a little bit of frustration.

Yeah, no, totally. I was like, I was rejected. I know it's, this is the fuel of this outburst. But it's just teaching me a lesson that again, I made the mistake of trying to date and learning again that casual dating or modern-day dating, the way that it goes, meaning a stranger with an expectation of romance, does not work. Doesn't work.

The only way that's gonna work for me and my temperament and the fact that it takes me a while to be myself around somebody, but apparently nobody wants to give me that time, I need to just live my life and pursue my own things and meet people that way or just never meet anyone, because this unnatural way, it just seems so self-focused and, yes, I'm absolutely one of those people, where it's like I'm going into it expecting the other person or wishing the other person would be like the ideal person or my person.

Yahuda

Of course, I have that hope. But I do think the thing that separates me from a lot of these people is that if I don't feel a romantic spark right away, I still want to get to know that person. Like, genuinely, like I was thinking to myself, there's so many men that I've met that I would have loved to actually form real friendships with. There's like a guy named Yahuda, Yahuda. I loved him. Like, I would be a, like, I would be friends with him in a heartbeat. I wanted a genuine, real connection and relationship with that person, not romantic because I didn't feel the romantic spark. Sorry, if I didn't ever tell him that, but like, I love the conversation, and I feel like that's just not the way things are. The way things are, is how I said, you, you give people one audition, and if they mess up their audition, you're on to the next person, because you've got so many people lined up, and you're dating multiple people, and there's just no room at all and no desire to get to know somebody authentically.

I'm out of breath. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Softly rejected

Yeah, sorry. I, I was so rejected by somebody that I liked. I mean, softly rejected, but basically, it's what I said. I went into it actually expecting that I would be disappointed, because that's been my pattern, is that I get excited about people, when I talk to them and then when I meet them, I'm always disappointed because I hyped them up.

I get excited about men when I talk to them online and I imagine them to be like my perfect man. Then I meet them and I'm disappointed, and I don't feel anything. But this guy, I did it the opposite way. I was like, I'm not super excited. I'm not gonna allow myself to get my hopes up. I'm not gonna be excited. I'm just gonna take it as it is. And there were a couple of things, where I was like, I'm not ideal, not ideal. And I was not super, I was kind of excited but like keeping my hopes up, down.

Then when I met him, I was like,

"Oh, shit. Fuck, he's actually very attractive."

And that was the first time that I felt attracted to somebody on a date. At the end, I mean, because I felt attracted, I was nervous. And because I was nervous, I presented the self that I always present with new people. And it's not even men. It's just every person, every new person I meet. My fearful self always turns to being, very serious and mature and like not laughing a lot, not talking a lot, being relatively quiet. Like, I think I'm pleasant, very pleasant. I'm also very nice. That's also part of it. All of that is like my defense mechanism that I turn to when I'm scared. And with a new person that I don't know yet, there's no trust or safety or anything.

Little adult since childhood

I've been thinking about why I do that and how that's not even me. Like that person, I mean, it's kind of me, but it's not my actual, like, it's not my giddy, happy, goofy, silly self, which I haven't even shown here on YouTube, because I always am, I'm most often in that place of presenting like what I present to the world, which is the serious, mature side of myself. But it's always like vulnerable and scary to be like silly and fun and goofy and laughing. And I ask myself why that is, and I'm certain it's because of childhood, because my dad really expected all of us children, from the ages of being a baby to adulthood, he expected us to act like adults. So when we were five years old or four years old, he wanted us to be tiny little adults. And so that's how we acted. That's how I acted. I was just a tiny little adult in my entire life. My entire life, people have always said,

"Wow, you were so mature for your age. You are so mature. I always thought that you were older than you are, because you're so mature."

So I am always like, "Well, what the world expects of me is to be serious and mature." That's what I've always done, and that's how I get like compliments. That's what people like. And same goes for like being very agreeable. But in a dating scenario, no, they want you to be flirty. They want you to be funny. They want you to be fun, which I always thought, "I'm not, I'm not that." But actually, I am. I am fun. I am adventurous. I am funny. I laugh a lot. I have a good sense of humor. But I just don't show that right away. And nobody wants to take that time. So I met this guy, I was interested, and then slowly and gradually this person just like, it started out great. He was really excited about me at the beginning, and then I still haven't really quite figured out what happened, but he lost interest. Now he's not interested, and now I'm basically ghosted. And all of that is just really frustrating because it's rare for me to, I was about to say like somebody, but I don't even know if I liked him. It's very rare for me to be interested in someone. Very rare. You know, and this person checked quite a few of my checkboxes, which is great. Like, I was like,

"Ah, the stars are aligning. It's meant to be finally."

But no! 24 years old and still haven't met the guy.

So yeah, still haven't met him, and I'm done dating. I'm, I don't know if I am. I mean, I might keep doing it, but just have different expectations, but something has changed. I have to change something.

Modern-day dating is so self-focused and superficial and just like no feeling involved. Nobody, I don't know. I'm jilted. I'm a jilted person talking. I'm gonna be done. This is so therapeutic, though.

I was like,

"I'm gonna record like one minute and just say like, 'Oh, I'm gonna talk about dating a little later.'"

But no, it just all poured out, because I'm so frustrated by it.

Bad YouTube advice

Oh, one more thing is women, if you are anything like me or just women in general, stay away from every single YouTube video or channel, that is dedicated to telling women what they can and cannot do, what they can and cannot say in order to keep a man's interest. It's so toxic and bad for you. It's not your job. It's not your job or your responsibility to trick a guy or play games or have any sort of strategy or do things a certain specific way in order to keep or get a guy's attention. And if you don't do things exactly right, if you say the wrong thing, you send the wrong text, you say like, do the wrong thing at the wrong time, and you scare him off, that's your fault. It's always your fault because you're the one who's trying to get him. And if he runs away, that's your fault. Obviously not. Just be yourself. Be yourself. Do whatever the fuck you want. And like, stop making men control your life and dating control your life and control your decisions and stop giving all that power away. Just do whatever you want.

I'm telling future me, the right person will come along, who will respect that you don't play games. You don't, you're not gonna research all this shit, because that's what I did when I was like 18, 19. I was hooked on those channels. I was hooked on researching how to get him attracted to you, how to keep his attention, how to make him fall in love in you. Oh, whatever. How to make him fall in love with you, how to make him addicted to you, how to make him not want other girls, what to do when he leaves you. Like, stop it. So, I was good about that the last couple of years. I stopped. And then I got into it just a little bit once I got rejected again, and I'm sick of that. Done. I'm gonna focus on me. I don't know if I do post this. People are gonna say all sorts of crap about me. They're gonna be like, they're gonna think I'm bipolar or something. Oh, how dare I show actual emotion? How dare I actually be myself? People are gonna be like,

"What's wrong with her?"