, 21 min read
A Woman's Perspective on Male Sexuality, Part 2 **Warning: Triggering**
Caveats
So I actually posted this first part of the video already and from the comments that I'm getting, I think I need to address some things because I think that I was a little careless to just post my unfiltered thoughts without giving some caveats. I never know how to say that word—caveats. I can't stress this enough: this video is me doing a video diary where I express my innermost, innermost, innermost subconscious beliefs. Everything that I'm saying is a subconscious belief that I've had that I wasn't even aware of, that I had to dig up for years. I've been thinking about this for years, trying to figure out what my subconscious beliefs are, and that's what these are. These don't reflect my actual beliefs and what I know to be true, and I get to it at the end of the video. I do talk about "not all men," which is absolutely true, and I genuinely still love men and I know some very good men. I have good men in my life.
But I mean still, I think I was just trying to express thoughts that I have and feelings that I have that basically torture me to this day, and I definitely need therapy for this. But try not to take it too seriously. Like, if you are not one of these men, if you don't identify with this and you disagree, first of all, I actually want that because I want to hear that this is not true. I want to hear that men love women and men want to love women. Also, if you don't identify with this kind of man, then I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about a specific kind of man. I'm very aware that what I say is a blanket statement and it doesn't reflect all of mankind. This is just some therapy work and I actually really, really value your insight. I was gonna say especially if you're a man, but kind of especially if you're a man because you can offer the man's perspective, but also especially as a woman because I want to hear if women can relate to me and these thoughts and feelings that I'm having about male sexuality.
I'm going to do a therapy session where I am going to attempt to get every one of my thoughts or a lot of them out on the page metaphorically.
Childhood
I never know where to begin, so I'm going to begin at the very beginning.
Child me: basically as background, child me loved men. Loved as in I idolized men, and from a very, very young age, I was attracted to older men for some reason. Maybe it's normal. My first crushes, when I was like five years old, were older men like in their 20s, 30s, 40s. And it was all innocent and cute and sweet; nothing happened. It was just like, I remember the first time I was a little sheltered, like Christian growing up, and the first time I ever saw a man shirtless, I was like, "I like him," and he was like 40 and married, and I was like six.
But yeah, I had crushes and they were so innocent and sweet, and I would picture like talking to a boy or holding hands. I couldn't even get as far as kissing, I was so innocent.
As background to try to understand where I'm coming from, it's hard to explain, but I was very sheltered, and I knew nothing about boys. Very much because I was raised strictly, like a very strict version of Christian, like fundamentalist or whatever you want to call it, where men and women were separated growing up. For the most part, men were so separated from the women where it was like it was bad if a boy was interacting with a girl. And also boys were taught some sort of hatred or looking down on women to the point where, as a girl growing up, I was bullied by a bunch of boys all the time, like church boys, because they thought girls were yucky or dumb or stupid or something like that. I still don't quite understand.
So I kind of grew up thinking I was ugly, which I actually was. I went through the awkward stage of being actually ugly, and I just thought that boys didn't like me and that I was unlikable and unattractive. I didn't really understand how the dynamics of boys and girls worked.
Teenager
Fast forward to when I was a teenager and I started developing, and getting you know, developing. I started getting attention from boys and not just boys, but college boys as well, when I was like 15, 14, and also like just any man would give me some attention. And all of this positive attention, compliments, or even like catcalling on the street when I was a teenager, I took all of that positively. I was like, "They like me, they think I'm pretty, they might want to go on a date with me." I didn't think that clearly, but I didn't think that it was bad in any way. The attention felt nice and sweet and good, and it built me up and it built my confidence. I thought that these men and boys liked me, like the word "like." I thought they liked me.
I'm going really fast, but it was, and again this makes me sound so sheltered, but it wasn't until I was 19, 20, 21, 22 and still now, that I'm figuring out that all of that attention from strangers and boys that I knew, all of it was sexual attention.
I had no idea that these boys and men didn't actually like me. They liked my body. They just liked how I looked in short shorts and tight jeans, and their compliments were always like, "I like your jeans," or "I like your shirt," "I like how things fit on you." For real, in high school, a boy once said with a smirk, "I like those jeans," and all of his guys around him giggled and laughed, and they were a really tight pair of skinny jeans or something. I was like, "Thank you," and that compliment made my day.
If you guys have the time, I know this is awful, but in high school, I had no idea that boys looked at me sexually, that he didn't like my jeans, he liked how my ass looked in my jeans. I did not realize that and I just took it as like this sweet compliment.
Oh, I finally started learning, thanks to the internet and thanks to just life, that men look at women sexually, like purely, only sexually. Every time I go out in public, men are checking me out every second. It's hard to explain, but there's this transition where I loved these men. I loved men growing up. I had crushes and I thought that my interactions with men were sweet and pure and cute, like in a movie or a book. I thought that boys, who had crushes on me or liked me, liked me for my personality and who I am, and that it wouldn't matter what I looked like or what my body looked like. So, I viewed all that attention as positive until I realized that men have this separation between liking a girl and wanting to have sex with her.
First relationship
It took me literally throughout my entire first relationship to realize that a guy can want to have sex with a woman without having feelings for her. That took me until I was like 20 or 21 years old to finally figure out that guys don't have feelings for women most of the time. Maybe one percent of the time they do fall in love, but even when they fall in love, it's like accidental and they're like, "Oh crap, now I can't have one-night stands anymore."
I'm digging through my subconscious right now. This is the number one most triggering topic for me. Men don't like me; every time a guy gives me attention, he doesn't like me. He doesn't like my personality. If I had a different face or a different body, he wouldn't like me. He's looking at my body. It's so frustrating. Every time I go outside, every time I go in public, I feel men's eyes on me. I turn around and I see men's eyes on my ass. I see men checking my whole body out, and it doesn't feel good anymore. It stopped feeling good the moment I realized that men stare at every woman all the time, every woman's body. They care about bodies. They look at your boobs, they look at your butt. They only care about what my body looks like, and they're doing it to every other girl.
It's not special. It doesn't make you special. It doesn't make you beautiful. It doesn't mean anything other than that they're objectifying what you look like. They don't want to love you. They don't want to be in a relationship with you. They don't want to take care of you in the sense of if you're sick, or if down the road and you were together and you got cancer. They just want to have sex with you for a while with no feelings attached. This is coming out so badly, but it's basically that the attention from men I thought was positive and sweet and cute turned negative when I realized that men don't have feelings for you.
I ended up having quite a negative view of male sexuality, where I don't view a guy wanting to have sex with me or thinking I'm attractive positively at all, because they want to have sex with every woman and they find almost every woman attractive. What's special about that? And also, they make it very clear and loud that once you turn 25, which I am, I'm a 25-year-old, you become unattractive. This is all subconscious crap in my head, but all of this is counteracted by conscious thoughts, which is I know that I'm beautiful. I'm going to be beautiful for 20 more years at least, and even after that, I'll be beautiful in a different way. I also know that there are men in different areas of the internet and world who do find women attractive all the time, and I've met tons of them.
The point is that men tell me, and there's this internet portion of men who tell me that I am unattractive, unlovable, unwanted the second I reach a certain age. So, why should I somehow value, respect, or cherish men's attention towards me if I know that it's temporary and dependent on my youth?
Nothing is special about it. I don't value it. I realized that men can have sex forever with one woman, like in friends with benefits situations, without feelings. When I was young, and by young I mean like 19 and 20, I thought that men who had sex with women had feelings for those women. I thought it was impossible to have sex with a woman without feeling anything for her. I've heard so many things about men going to clubs to pick up women to sleep with, and then in the morning, looking at her and being repulsed. Why did they do that? Because of male sexuality, they couldn't help it. They were just so horny that they had to grab someone they thought was ugly and use her for the night.
Basically, all of it is down to men just wanting to use women. They just want to use me. While I'm young, they want to use me, and when I get older, they're on to the next. Nobody cares about you, you're ugly, unwanted. It's ridiculous. And the other thing is there are tons of men who, if I did post this in the comments, they would be relishing this. They would be happy. They would say, "This is what you get for being a woman. This is how it should be." They'd think, "Yeah, you get all this male attention and then it all dries up. That's what you deserve." There's this hatred. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.
There's another whole section which I probably won't be able to record because of my phone storage, but I will say a huge massive portion of this. You know what? I'm just gonna say it: disgust towards male sexuality. I was sexually abused when I was a child, a very young child, like four years old, and then again from seven through nine, or seven through ten, or something like that. I was sexually abused by two different people and used in the worst possible ways. The absolute worst, disgusting behavior by men who couldn't control themselves. I'm so sick of that, like, "Oh, gender biology, they can't control it," which I think is the basis for all of this pent-up anger. To me, male sexuality is men who can't control themselves. It's all about using women for themselves. It's about throwing and discarding women. It's about having no feelings towards women and everything being about sex, sex, sex, sex. I can't walk down the street as a normal human without being objectified and turned into a sex doll by strangers who are staring at my ass all the time, every single day. They follow me around and stare at me, and if I bend over, they stare at me. If I'm literally just trying to pick something up or tie my shoe or dig through my car, I turn around, and there's a guy staring at my ass. It's not a compliment, not respectful, not great. I hate it, and I am a self-conscious, low-confidence person most of the time. Being stared at by men constantly, especially old men, having to walk past men sitting on benches while they stare at me, I can't stand it. Men, you don't know what it's like. You might stare at a woman for a good ten seconds and think, "Oh, that's probably the only person who stares at her for ten seconds straight that day." Nope. There are men who just unguardedly stare at me, and it's not a friendly stare in the least. It's a growl. They're just staring, and their whole head turns. It makes me so uncomfortable, and it's constant.
And I can hear comments saying, "Oh well, good for you. As you get older and uglier, no man will want you, so you should just relish the attention." Why should I relish this attention? It's not positive attention. It's just, "Oh, I would do that person," and I would do that to any other girl too.
Laughs
I ran out of storage and deleted a bunch of videos in order to create this one. I don't know how long it will be, so I will try to talk very quickly.
Romance versus porn
Another thing that I failed to mention that is very important in this conversation is that I am a die-hard romantic, and I'm straight, which means I need a man. Which means that my whole life, I've been looking for a man to fall in love with and to fall in love with me and to have that beautiful love story.
And that desire, being my number one desire in life, makes all of this so much more intense to me and so much more passionate because as I grew older, I realized that was less and less of a possibility. It seems that most men do not want that. Because of the internet and things that men say and things I've heard in person, it sounds like and starts to seem like a man's dream life is to have multiple women in rotation who all get along, and he can just go from one to the next to the next, and that's perfect. It seems like there's almost no man in the universe who is happy, content, and searching for that one special woman and who would be content with one woman. That's also part of it, that it seems like men have this raging, uncontrollable sexuality that forces them to need several women all the time.
It's ridiculous, and all of this, again, is subconscious because I know consciously something else. I need to get into the hopeful part of all of this before the video ends, but to get to the bad part again, more to this dynamic is I've heard so much from men online and in person who talk about how important sex is to them to the point where it's come across that sex is more important than anything else in the entire world. And that if a woman cannot perform or give them the amount of sex that they want or do it good enough, then they will leave or cheat. It's like, "If you don't do this, I will cheat on you, and you will deserve it."
Another thing that went into this viewpoint or started making me believe this was porn. I view porn as a man's fantasy or what men truly want deep down, even if they don't admit to it. And basically, all porn is all about women serving men, women being degraded, men physically harming women, men physically disrespecting and humiliating women and degrading them in horrible ways. And I don't just mean like, "Oh, they make them do..." Sorry, I don't know how explicit I should be, but...
Another thing...
Well, maybe that's just too rough, but yeah.
So that created also a very negative viewpoint of what men want, what men are truly looking for, and who men are deep down and what they want to do to women, which is just basically harm and use women.
So I got really helpless about men and sexuality, and I have such a deeply ingrained negative viewpoint of male sexuality.
And the funny thing is you might think that makes me cold in that way in relationships, but it's actually the opposite. This belief system comes out in relationships by me seeing men as degrading a man all the way down to his most animal sexual nature and thinking that that's all there is to them and that's all they want. I was taught so much growing up, here and there, and in Christianity that the one way to make a man happy is to give him an endless supply, if you know what I mean, and to never say no ever and to act like you're enjoying it all the time.
Sex in my first relationship
With the first relationship, he was like, "Whoa, it's a dream come true," didn't really complain about it, but at the same time, he still left me, so it kind of shows that sex is not the only thing to keep a man. He never would have guessed that this is how I viewed sex or sexuality. I never told him, I never told anyone, I never talk about this ever with anyone. That's why it's so passionate. I never get to talk about it because it's so triggering to so many people.
But the cool thing is I wonder if I can get to this before this video ends. The cool thing is I've met a few men and I've heard some stories of men. I've purposely been searching for these stories about men who actually love women, who don't objectify women, and who see women as a person rather than a thing.
And one more thing on the negative side: men are constantly like, "Oh, growing up, I wanted to be friends with men. I like men. I wanted to be friends with them and I thought that men wanted to be friends with me." It took me forever to learn that, oh, whenever a guy was friends with me, it was because he wanted to have sex with me. The second he realized that he couldn't have sex with me, bam, gone out of my life forever. Absolute rejection. I was like, what? I thought we were friends, but no. Men are constantly saying, "We don't want to be friends with you. Are you crazy? We just want to have sex with you because that's what you're worth to us. That's how we see you. We see you as something to have sex with, not to actually have a conversation with or to value a relationship with or to see you as a human with valuable thoughts." That was another thing going into it. But anyway, I finally found these men, these good positive examples of men, including my current boyfriend who is nothing like what I described. All of those thoughts that I just described to you, there are men who are not like this, who I have met, and thank God. And also, thank God I got out of the Christian community that I was in, because Christian men are among the most sexist and objectifying of all men. Absolutely. And it's partly Christianity and Christian men to blame for this mindset.
But yeah, yeah, I'm not using words today.
Sex in my current relationship
My current relationship has been extremely healing. I don't let this thought process out; I don't really discuss it. It almost doesn't come out in a negative way because, as I said, it comes out as me being like, okay, I love someone and they're a man, and I know what men want. They just want endless sex, so let's just do that.
So, it's almost like you can't complain about it. But I have let it slip with my current boyfriend a little bit, some of these thoughts, and I'm always like, "Not you, obviously," because not him; I don't actually believe he's this way. But he finds it very insulting, which I guess a lot of guys would find insulting. But he finds it insulting that—and he has told me that he never, ever, ever, ever wants me to have sex when I don't want it or feel like it. He doesn't want me to pretend. I'm not very good at pretending, but he said it makes him feel like a really bad person that I'm almost unwilling inside, even though I act completely willing. And even though I sometimes am the one very viciously asking or starting it. I can't think of words today.
So I finally realized that there is actually more to sex, or there's more to relationships than sex for a man.
Another couple of positive examples: I follow these channels and follow these guys who are with women who have cancer, who are battling with cancer, or women who have all these different ailments or things wrong with them, or mental illnesses. Like, this one woman has schizophrenia and she has a really loving husband. I'm just purposely feeding myself these positive examples of men who actually see women as someone they can love and respect, someone they can talk to and have a real relationship with. Also, I view it as a very positive sign, very positive, that my boyfriend has female friends. It's a good thing because it means that—and he's told me explicitly—that it means he doesn't see women as sexual objects. He sees women as valuable, equal people who he can have friendships with without... I'm so against that. I don't think that it's true that men can't be friends with women and the only reason they are is because they want to have sex with them. Sure, that might be some men, but not others. Also, I have made friendships with men who I know just wanted to be friends with me, and I know it because they had crushes on other girls or they started dating other girls or they were in relationships already. They would tell me about them, and that would be part of our friendship.
Trauma
So anyway, all of that is to say I have a lot of subconscious trauma work to do and a lot to work through. I did get it all out, and it's going to offend a bunch of people. But I feel like this can be helpful, possibly for men who want to understand a woman's experience, and for women who feel this way as well. Honestly, it would be helpful for me if a woman can comment and tell me that I'm not the only one who feels this amount of anger and disappointment, and maybe disgust and sadness. Sadness over the fact that it seems like men and women are just so different in what they want that you're never going to find what you're looking for.
But yeah, I'm trying to end it positively because it is positive. The positivity is that I have found a current boyfriend who does not value sex more than he values me. If I'm sick or feeling bad, or I know for a fact if I get cancer, all of this stuff—there is a man who will be there for you and who will love you. For a man, love can go so much deeper than sex. I'm just learning that in the last year or two, and I found an angel man. The cool thing I want to end it like this: the man that I found and have been dating for 10 months is exactly the man that I dreamed of and thought that men were like when I was a teenager. When I was a teenager, I idealized this version of a man who loves women, wants to love me, and care for me the same way I want to care for him. When I say that, I'm not talking about financially; I can just hear comments.
But yeah, to love and be loved. He's romantic, sweet, loving, understanding, and he does not value sex more than he values me. I feel so much trust and security. There are men like that who exist, and I feel like all of this anger comes from the optimist inside of me that was slowly destroyed. Now, in this relationship, I can let that child optimist out again to know that there are men out there who truly respect women, truly love women, and truly care for women. They want to love them, and they love their mothers and sisters, and they're actually good people.
So I know all of it was so negative, but it's how I truly feel inside, in my subconscious, and there's so much work to do. But I do know that there are good men out there, and I know that there are men out there who are exactly as I described in this video, which is sad. It might be a large portion of men who are like this, but not all men. Hopefully, this video can attract the good ones to my channel and get rid of the men who are like this, or can somehow help those men realize something—maybe to help them realize that I have a brain and if you're staring at me in public, please stop.
Smiling
Oh, and here's the last thing, if I have enough room: smile. Smile at pretty women or smile at all women, but when you walk past a woman or look at a woman, instead of staring in that aggressive, mean way, smile at her in a friendly way like she's a human. Just smile. Sometimes men do smile at me. There was actually one today who did smile at me in a friendly, sweet way, and that's like once every year that happens. It feels so nice; it feels so good. That's all. Bye-bye.