, 20 min read
Today was A bad Mental Health Day. Getting Triggered and Spiraling
So, it's an absolutely beautiful day out. It's blue sky, and I wanted to record a couple of things. Basically, this is me on a bad day. And yeah, I look all dressed up and stuff, and that's because it was one of my friends' bridal showers.
This is me recording a day where I got very triggered. It was a very high-anxiety, triggered day. Part of it — there are a couple of parts to this — but I guess one of the important parts is that I learned that I never thought that PMS hit me, but when I started paying attention, I realized that my mood was 100% exactly on time for where I was in my cycle.
And it took me — I don't even know why I never learned about this — but it just, I guess, wasn't common knowledge for me that women generally have these hormonal cycles, that they usually feel pretty high and pretty good — their mood — the first two weeks of their cycle, or two or three weeks, and then the last week of their cycle, or the week before their period, they start to feel really depressed. And that's right on time for me.
So, the week before your period, you start to get really, really, really depressed. And like, before you start thinking,
"Ah, women are hormonal and emotional."
It's not like the feelings are over nothing for me. I mean, maybe that's the case for some women, and there's no shame in that whatsoever, but for me, it's just that like the things that already are bothering me, or hurting me, or making me sad, those things just feel worse and more heartbreaking.
Breakup
For example, the breakup. So, last month, right around this time, the breakup hit me really hard, and I was just like crying more and so sad, and just all the emotions were amplified, and I was missing him so much. And I feel that happening again this month, and hopefully it's not as extreme this month, and I'm hoping that each month it gets less and less.
But I guess I wanted to talk about the breakup a little bit. I am struggling with the breakup so much, not because I feel like we shouldn't be broken up. I actually feel quite comfortable with that, and I think it was the right thing. Like, I'm 100% certain it was. There was no way that it could have worked with where we were. But the thing that is the hardest for me, and the thing that hurts the most, and the thing that's the most frustrating is that I wanted it to end very amicably and with lots of love and respect, and I did my part in that, where I tried my hardest to leave it that way. And I spent a long time, like, writing out different texts here and there, like thanking him for all these different things, telling him all the positive memories that I'll carry with me, telling him like all my friends loved him, and that like all the good things about him and all the good memories and that I would always cherish it. But then, on his part, he's been hitting me with lots and lots and lots of anger. Like, the actual breakup was with an explosion, like screaming and yelling, and it ended horribly, and the last words he said to me in person were just horrible before, like, slamming the door. And then, instead of him like trying to acknowledge and like express gratefulness and love, acknowledge the good parts of our relationship, he is only focusing on the bad parts and the problems, and like will just come at me so aggressively, telling me all the ways that I failed him and all the ways that I disappointed him and all the ways that I've made him angry or made him sad. And it's like, at this point, what good does that do? Like, that just puts me in this helpless state where I have no idea what I can do about that to make it any better. Like, it just makes me feel absolutely horrible.
So anyway, that's been happening. Today, at the bridal shower, he did it again, and he continues to do it where he'll text me like the most mean, horrible texts. Like the one today he was saying that like he's happier without me and that I sucked all his energy and that I was demanding too much from him when we were seeing each other twice a week, and I was fine with that.
He was the one — I mean, we both — but he was the one who wanted to live together. And he was saying like that he finally has time for hobbies and things now. And I'm like, I encouraged you to do hobbies when we were together, and I was fully supportive. I was happy to be beside you as you were doing your own thing, and you wanted to live together, so how did you expect that would work if it was too much to see me twice a week? Like, to me, clearly, to me, he doesn't or didn't have the capacity to be in a relationship, and I don't know what he was expecting.
But he is mad at me for expecting normal things that happen in a relationship. Like, I was just asking for time together and like to go on a date here and there. And I was happy — like, most of our dating relationship, literally almost our entire relationship, was us in front of the TV watching a show together and eating pizza, and that was fine with me overall. Like, I was pretty much fine with that as long as I got to be with him and we just watched a lot of TV. And like, granted, a lot of our relationship was throughout the winter, but point is, I was more than happy for him to do his own thing, and I encouraged it. But then he has this idea that I was asking him not to hang out with his friends or telling him not to go out and do his own thing, and that's just not true. I don't know. This whole relationship has been so freaking confused.
I just don't even know how he and I share the same reality with how twisted he makes it. And I'm like, how are you getting there from where we are? I see it a specific way, and he sees it in a totally opposite, totally different way, and it just doesn't make any sense. I've been so shocked.
But anyway, all right, that's the relationship stuff. So, he basically was just telling me today how I zapped all his energy and how I was expecting too much from him and that now he's happier and has more time to himself and this and that. And I'm like, just makes me feel like shit. And I already feel low, and on top of that, I missed him, and I see a lot of positive things. So, I answered him, and I was like, all I want with this breakup, all I want is for us to end it amicably. I just want him to acknowledge how I gave to him and what I gave to him because he talks and acts like he sacrificed so much to be with me when, even if that's the case, which I don't really think he did sacrifice a lot — like, I didn't ask him to sacrifice — but even if that is the case, I sacrificed for him like crazy, and I would say I sacrificed more for him. For example, I was always the one driving to him. I drove to him every single time we ever hung out. He never came to my place, which is whatever. I was good with that.
Um, so I was always the one who was uprooted, and when I would spend a weekend day with him or this or that, I would pack my bag. So every time I went to visit him, I had this bag that I would pack of stuff, and I felt very uprooted, and my life was very like crazy because of it. And I had another thought. Oh, yeah, just what I was saying earlier, that I was like expecting too much from him? I had literally asked, could we spend one day together each week? Like, one full day? Is that too much? Like, a Saturday? I had asked for Saturday or Sunday to just spend the day together because our entire relationship, we saw each other after work. So we would literally only see each other from like 5:30, maybe 6:30, 7:30 — sometimes it was 6:30, 7:30, 8:30 — to bedtime. Our relationship was like an evening, three-hour relationship, and that just felt weird.
I was like, if we're in a relationship and we're partners, I want to like have the experience of spending a day with you. Anyway, he thought that was too much, too much to ask. I also like had to make sure that I kept my schedule very open and very flexible so that whenever he was available or whenever it worked best for him to see each other, that I would be available because it was a priority for me to see him. And if I was making all my own plans, then the one time he was available, there was a good chance I'd be busy. So I always kept my schedule quite open and flexible for him, and I always saw him on his invitation. Like, I would never ask to hang out with him. I would wait for him to invite me over, and it was just all on his time, whatever worked best for him.
So anyway, he's being so unfair to me, and he's like decided — like, it's hard because he went from being very invested and often very kind and loving and giving and all of that — he was good sometimes. He went from that to like this stark contrast right after breaking up with me where he just like is done with me and acting like I'm nothing and treating me like I'm nothing and like not giving me basic respect. And anytime we do contact or he contacts me, it's just to like yell at me or like he's very aggressive in his conversation, just telling me all the ways is that he's angry at me.
There's literally no sadness. Like, he doesn't express sadness. He doesn't express pain. He doesn't express missing me. He doesn't ever acknowledge the good parts and the good like times in our relationship, which is crazy because we had a lot.
Anyway, that's enough of that. But that's why it's hard is that I just wish that he could acknowledge the ways that I gave and sacrificed for him.
Bridal shower
And then the other triggered part was the bridal shower. I guess I didn't know wedding etiquette. I didn't know that you give two gifts for wedding people. I thought you got them a wedding gift, and that was it. And then I right before the bridal shower, I was, wait, what? Do you get a gift for the bridal shower? I thought that was the wedding gift. And then I was, crap. Okay, so I ran to Target, and I got gifts, and I had asked my mom, and she was like, okay, bridal shower gifts are things for their honeymoon. And I was like, okay, honeymoon, honeymoon, okay. So I got like things associated with honeymoon. It was mostly like self-care items for her, like taking care of like glamorous things, I don't know, like perfume and stuff like that and makeup and stuff. And then I started researching it more on my drive there, and I was like thinking about it more, and then I realized, oh yeah, people usually give like bowls and towels and like things for the house and home. And I was like, shit.
I failed the assignment so bad. I didn't get anything like home related, and then I felt like a huge failure. I got all the wrong gifts. Even though I spent tons of money, I felt awful, and that was already like extremely anxiety-inducing. And then the entire time, I was not kidding, my stomach was in knots. I felt like heart pounding. I felt absolutely horrible. Oh, yeah, I even had some heart pangs, like maybe two or three minutes of like sharp heart pain, like a panic attack from this fear of imagining her opening all the gifts in front of all the other women and then like opening my gift and it's all wrong, like all of the gifts are wrong, and everybody's like, what? Like, why did she get you that?
That's such a weird thing to do for a bridal shower. Maybe they wouldn't say it, but they would think it. I just felt really extremely embarrassed and like I failed. It was so anxiety-inducing to imagine her opening it in front of everyone, and that's exactly what happened. So I was just terrified — like, I was terrified for her to open the presents. And so when I got there and had to meet all the girls, that's all I was thinking about was, I fucking failed. I failed. I am so embarrassed and so scared.
And, yeah, so that's how I was approaching it. And then on top of it, I was like, do not make it about you. Do not make it about you. It's about her. It's about her. It's her bridal shower. This is huge.
So I put on my mask, and I was as friendly and nice as I could be, but still like the symptoms of anxiety were like eating my body, so it's extremely difficult to get to be okay. And then on top of that was social anxiety. There was like 25 women. I didn't know anybody except for her, and I'm a bridesmaid, so I was like kind of expected to interact with the other bridesmaids, and I just started to really feel like — imposter syndrome is not the right word, but I just started to feel really crappy about myself because all the other bridesmaids knew each other.
So all of them were all laughing and talking, and they're all talking easily with the bride-to-be, and they're all like super open and expressive and animated and laughing, and the more they talked and the happier and more connected they all were, the more disconnected I felt. I just felt like I shouldn't be there, and I didn't really want to be there, and I also just started to feel like I'm not a woman, which is such a weird thing to say, but it's expressing how I feel where because I was raised mostly by my dad and with five brothers.
I have very masculine traits. I'm usually not very expressive or animated. I'm not open with my emotions. I am on here, but I'm not in person generally. I'm not expressive. I don't do a lot of like women, like laughing and giggling and like going "ah". Like those kinds of things that are very feminine. I generally don't do those things. I generally talk in like a more monotone way and not extremely expressive.
I am not acting like a woman
So I just started to feel like I don't belong and that I can't be a woman. I'm not acting like a woman. I don't know how to interact with these women. I generally don't know how to interact with women.
So yeah, all of that compounded was really rough. And there were so, so many people who were close to my friend who were like,
"So how do you know the bride?"
And just that question was like, wait, she hasn't talked about me at all to them, so they don't know who I am. So I just felt like that was kind of hurtful. And on top of all that, even though she and I had been friends since childhood, we didn't get extremely close, mostly because of me because it's difficult for me to get close to people. And so I felt like an imposter, that like she was obviously closer to the other girls — she was — and it makes me feel like crap.
But that's what bridal parties are all about is just like you comparing your relationship with the bride to all the other girls and their relationships to the bride and like,
"Oh, they're much closer than we are,"
And
"This girl knows her so much better than me,"
which is just a bad feeling. But I try my best. Anyway, this whole time I tried my best, and when she opened the gifts, it was really embarrassing and shameful, and I felt horrible, and I was like blushing, and I was like,
"I'm so sorry I missed the memo. I didn't know that I was supposed to get house gifts. I've never shopped for a bridal shower before."
I did Google it, and I got confusing Google answers for ideas.
Anyway, enough of that. So I left the party today feeling very triggered and inadequate and like a poser and like I didn't deserve friends and very isolated and disconnected and just craving connection. And throughout the day, I've been so close to tears, and I have cried a couple of times whenever I'm reminded of people who are very closely connected. I watched a video of two people who are very connected, and when I see that love and openness between them, I just start to cry.
And then yeah, it was during that bridal shower that my ex talked to me and just said a bunch of awful things that made me feel worse. And it's like, we spent a year and a half together, almost a year and a half, and I poured into him. That's why it's so hurtful. It is when you give 110%, you over-give, you give more than you even have — so much effort and time and love pouring into him to make him feel encouraged and loved and built up and like doing everything in my power to improve his life, buying him gifts and plants and like giving him compliments and all of that and tons of other stuff, and for him to not acknowledge it and to only acknowledge the bad and to tell me like I made him miserable when that wasn't my intention.
This is rational me speaking, he is very manipulative, and he puts way too much blame on me that is not deserved, but often I take it to heart, and I feel like it's true even though rationally I know it's not. He is just one of the people who put too much blame on other people for things that he should be taking responsibility for.
Feeling alone
But anyway, it all just hit me really hard today, and it's been a very triggering state where I start to get triggered into who I was when I was a teenager, which is feeling very worthless and mostly feeling unworthy and undeserving of anything. I just feel like a speck of dust or a piece of dirt and like undeserving of love or friends or people reaching out, and it makes me want to self-isolate, and my life feels very empty, and I feel very alone.
And all of that is to say that it's okay to have these days. That most or part of this is my cycle — emotions heightening all of this and making it seem more extreme. And it doesn't mean that I'm going backwards in growth, and it's okay to have these bad days, and it doesn't have to mean anything. It just means that you're having a hard day, and actually the best thing you can do for yourself is to feel it.
There's a line between wallowing, but if you feel in your body that you need to cry, like I feel it right now, I have a tight throat, then let yourself cry for a while and release it because it means something has to be released from your body. It's almost like a toxin, and you'll feel better. And also, when you're having a tough time like this, you can be okay at the same time because you've got yourself. If you've created a good relationship with yourself, you know you've got you, and that's me. I've built a relationship with myself where I know I can take care of me when I'm doing badly like this. And even though it's a bad day, and I feel like emotional and very triggered and I'm descending into that dark black hole, I can still pull myself out and have perspective and use logic and rationality and process the emotions and know that it will pass.
And yeah, another thing I really want to get across is that so many people, my ex-boyfriend included, they try to run from pain, and they run and run. They try to avoid it, and they see pain and sadness or bad days or any negative feeling to be a bad thing when I believe very strongly, 100%, that you need to have a relationship with it. Pain is not the enemy. You have to feel pain in order to work through it, and that's the only way. And it's not an enemy.
Pain and sadness are teaching you things, and I know that sounds so cliché, but if you think about it, ask yourself, what is the pain teaching me? Pain is trying to point you in a certain direction, and sometimes that can be tricky because it can make you — for me, it can be like,
"Oh, I feel heartbroken, so that means close myself off and never love again,"
which is what some people do, and it's very tempting, and even I'm tempted to do that, to become jaded and distrustful towards people.
But if you think past it, it's like, no, what is it teaching you? What is it teaching you? And something that the pain is teaching me is it's very important for me going forward to not give any part of myself that I would regret having given if the relationship ends. So if you over-give yourself and you're just pouring too much and giving too much and like to an unhealthy extent where you're like sacrificing yourself for the other person's happiness and giving too much, and then they end up leaving you, then you just keep thinking like how much you regret those decisions, like sacrificing your life for them and sacrificing a year and a half of your time.
And I don't regret the relationship. There's just specific things that I gave that I regret, and there's other things I gave that I do not regret. So it's just finding that line to only give what you know you won't regret later. And I feel like so many people would misunderstand what I just said, but I don't want to go into too many details.
Fine, I will. Here's an example: saying yes to giving away your body to your boyfriend when you don't want it because you love them and you want to make them happy, but when the relationship ends, you regret it so much, and it makes you feel like crap.
And I learned my lesson. I'm going to try to work through that, not do that again.
YouTube comments
YouTube has been so frustrating for me. I've really lost sight of YouTube — there's so many things I want to talk about and record, but I've gotten so good at predicting what the comments are going to be, and I'm not wrong. It's not a surprise when I get the comments that I'm expecting, but it always takes away the meaning of my videos when I'm trying to record things and share things to help other people who are struggling in the same ways and then to get comments like,
"Oh, you're just trying to get attention. You just want attention,"
or
"Why are you sharing all this weird crap? Like, you should just keep this private. Like, why are you being so open about such personal stuff?"
And it's literally that I am sacrificing myself and my sanity for you. Like, I am literally so exposed and so vulnerable and so open for all these comments to come and attack me. I'm doing it literally for you. And when I say for you, I mean the specific people. People who are struggling in the same ways that I struggle. I don't care about anybody else. Like, I'm not doing this for anyone else.
There's so many people who are like,
"Um, I don't relate to this. I don't know why you're posting this,"
It's like, okay, then it's not for you. People complain about there being so much fakeness on social media and so much toxic positivity and so much people just faking it and showing only their happy days or their best moments. People complain about that, but when I and others share pain or cry or share heartbreak or any other negative part or depression, there are so many comments who are like,
"Why are you sharing this? Like, you're being way too personal. Like, you need to keep this to yourself. Like, this is so negative. Why are you sharing this?"
Like, they—they're like,
"Be happier."
There's a lot of shame and embarrassment and like shaming of sharing the bad days and the bad emotions. There's so many people who don't want to see it. They don't want it. So it's hard, but I know that it's helpful for some people.
Anyway, I'm going to be done. Thanks for listening. Sorry, but I wanted to just record the triggers and the feelings and the descending down, and now I'm going to go outside and paint, and it's not my worst day, but I already know that this week is going to get worse emotionally because of my cycle.
Okay, guys, just want to say bye.
So, bye.