, 29 min read
The Struggles of Modern Dating for a Shy Romantic
I just got finished rollerblading. Well, I’m actually not finished. I’m taking a break. I need to work through some things. I’m not sure if I’ll work through anything, but I do want to record the struggle. I have so many thoughts. So the first thing is, yes, I think about men a lot. I do. And not just men, but the man that I’m going to end up with, because I better end up with someone.
The one
Oh, it’s so annoying when people say, “Stop talking about ‘the one.’ There is no ‘the one,’ blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Whenever I say “the one,” I think I’ve said this before, whenever I say “the one,” I’m just saying whoever I’m going to marry in the future, whenever it happens. There’s only one person I’m going to marry. Okay, that’s what I mean. So the one I’m going to be with, the one I’m looking for, that person, whoever that is, I’m not looking for one person, like I don’t think that there’s one person in the world right now. Well, I mean, there is. I mean, if you think about it in those terms, like you are going to walk down the aisle to one person, so that person is the one that I’m looking for. That makes perfect sense to me. I understand that there are, and I agree and believe that there are several people out there who you can have, like, beautiful relationships with and who you can make it work with and who you can connect with.
I do, since we’re on the topic, I do believe that there is—I’m not sure about one person in the entire world, but I think like there are, like, there’s no chance of you finding them or there’s very little chance of you finding them, but I think there are, like, a good five or 10 or 15, like a low number of your basically perfect match, and they’re probably scattered all around the world, and you’ll probably never even meet them.
But I do know of couples, like, and it’s so rare, like this is rare, where you know of a couple who is so right for each other, so perfect together, and they’re so in love for 50, 60, 70 years, like they found that perfect match. I’m not, I don’t even really care about finding, I mean, I would ideally love to find the perfect match, but I don’t really care to find the perfect match. I think that love is a very strong, very powerful thing. So I believe that if I found someone who aligned—I’m just, I’m mostly just talking for my subconscious right now, like I need to think about this better — but I’m looking for someone who also values love more than anything else in life, and I think if I found someone else who valued love as the highest priority, then we can make it work.
Not in love
In my life, I’m not, not desperately in love with anyone, which is a very freeing feeling. And I’ve only had these moments of life, very short periods of time, because I usually have an unrequited crush for years and years and years. Right now, I’m as single as a Pringle, and it makes me hopeful and a little bit hopeless at the same time, because all my girlfriends are married now, except for one. I still have one single friend, but the rest of the girls, that I know, are married.
When I was younger, it was easier for me to hold on to hope that it would just happen. And then as I’ve gotten older, I started to be forced to see that it’s not going to happen unless I change, probably.
I think I recorded this already, when I was 23, my 23 and single video, that like I can’t expect someone to approach me when I’m so closed off, because I’m shy. And I can’t expect to meet someone, if I’m not willing to approach people in any way or put myself out there in any way and be brave.
Turning away at a gas station
Like, just today, I saw someone at a gas station, and he saw me, and he obviously thought I was pretty, and I could tell, and I thought he was cute, handsome as well, and I could tell 100% that he was wanting to talk to me and that he was going to talk to me, and he kept, like, staring at me, and, like, it just really felt like he was this close to talking to me, but because I felt that something about me is that I just feel insane amounts of fear of men, terror, terror. I’m terrified of men. So when I felt like he was going to talk to me, I was just like, “Nope, nope,” like immediately, like turned my entire body away. I was doing everything I could to hide, even though I wanted him to talk to me. I know this makes men so mad at me. You shouldn’t be mad, like, they’re like,
“What, what do you want? You want men to talk to you or you don’t?”
Well, it’s called being shy, for men and women. If you are shy or scared of the opposite gender because you have no experience with the opposite gender, then yeah, you don’t want them to talk to you, but at the same time, you desperately want them to talk to you. It’s really hard, and it’s the same for you. Like, you want to talk to them, but you can’t.
Talking to men
Every year that I get older, I’ve been working on this. I have been working so hard to stop being scared. Like, no, I’ve been fighting the fear and fighting the shyness and trying to gain experience with men in all capacities, like being, like, friendships, conversations, interacting with men in general. But even though I’m pretty good at conversing and interacting with men in a non-romantic way, I am terrified and frozen when I am in a romantic situation with a man.
I feel I’ve been learning things about the world and men and dating that I didn’t want to know or I didn’t want it to be true, and they’re all, like, unfortunate things, disappointments. But I think one of the things I learned is, that everyone is on dating apps for a different reason, and they’re in a different phase of life, and this is fine. It’s whatever. It’s really okay. Like, it’s the same as making friends. I’ve learned is that you have to be understanding that everybody’s in a different place in life.
Dating apps
But I mean, at the same time, if you’re not ready for dating, then you shouldn’t be on dating apps. I think. But I just kind of assumed, and it’s a normal assumption, I thought that anyone who is looking to date or anyone who’s on a dating app and says, “Long-term relationship” on their dating profile, that they’re looking for love and a long-term relationship and probably marriage down the road. Like, I thought that’s what everybody’s looking for, but it’s not. They, like, I guess men, a lot of them, I found, even though I tried to filter out these ones, a lot of them are just looking for, I don’t know, I was about to say something, but I don’t know, something like fun, like they’re just looking to have fun and, like, I tried to filter out everybody who was just looking for, like, casual hookups, but even in the ones that listed, like, looking for a long-term relationship, you have to be something, I don’t know what it is, but, like, I was trying to figure out what it is.
Please, help, help me. What’s wrong with the way that I’m dating and the things that I’m thinking about that make me so mad, like angry and frustrated, is that I think some, this is just a hypothesis, and I could be wrong, I think men are looking for, like, women that are super, super fun and, like, flirty. I just had, like, a really sweet interaction with ladies and a dog, so that was nice. Makes my heart full. No, honestly, sweet interactions with strangers always make me emotional, like very, very emotional, like almost crying, because it just, like, fills me with this really overwhelming positive emotion.
Men are flirty. I’m not saying this as a fact. This is just the impression I’ve gotten, and it makes me really angry and frustrated because, well, let me just say that men, I think, are, in general, looking for a girl to be extremely, like, bubbly and flirty and, especially flirty, to have some sort of, like, flirtatious energy on the first date.
I think I’ve said all this before, but I cannot do that. I will not do that. I refuse. I will talk to them. I talk to these men normally, like normal, the way that I would talk to a friend on a first meeting. Like, I mean, oh, crap, yeah.
Hike went wrong
So, an example is, I went on a first date with someone, and we actually went on a hike. Don’t yell at me. Not supposed to be alone with men. I don’t know. It just, it was fine. We went on a hike, and near the end, he lunged at me. Like, no, no. I was sitting next to him, and everything was fine. We were having a pleasant, friendly conversation, and everything was good. And then, all of a sudden, he tries to kiss me, and it’s a first date.
Which, this hasn’t actually happened a lot because I never put myself in those situations, but I have a mix of emotions, and none of them are positive about that. Like, it’s totally fine, totally, totally, totally fine, and okay if there are women who enjoy having a first kiss on a first date. That’s totally fine. No judgment. But I am not that person, and I never will be. Ever. I will never kiss someone on the first date. That is so intimate and intense and crazy to imagine kissing someone, who you’ve known for like one hour. I don’t get it. There are too many people on this path.
Another thing is, I think that men are looking to get physically intimate way, way, way, way sooner than I want to, like things like kissing and being physically intimate. I’m happy to do, and like more than happy, like I want it and love it later.
Flirting
I think, basically, I rollerbladed more and got my thoughts together. It comes down to, I think I’m not what men are expecting. I’m not what they bargained for. So when they swipe on me on a dating app, I’m aware that I look relatively pretty, and I think they’re expecting something from my face. They expect me to be a specific way, and I end up being awkward, shy, socially anxious, nervous, not flirty in the least. And I refuse to be there. I hate flirting. I hate it. I don’t know how to do it. I hate it. I don’t even know the purpose. I think flirting is so stupid. I think it’s so stupid. I really think it’s the stupidest thing. Because what’s the purpose? Like, you’re supposed to be super, like, they tell you you’re supposed to be super fun and flirty on a first date. But if you’re looking for your husband, you’re looking for that person who’s going to stick by you no matter what, and you’re going to stick by them no matter what. But you’re looking for that ride-or-die person. You’re looking for the person who’s going to see you at your worst, and the person who you are going to be committed to for the next, like, lifetime, your entire lifetime. So to me, flirting is so shallow and fake. It’s so fake. I’m really mad.
Dating
I think, a lot of people view dating as, like, just something to do for fun, and, like, they view the other person as, just like, someone to hang out with and have a fun time with. And I’m not, like, I am, I was about to say, I’m not that, but I am that. I am fun. It just doesn’t work in this kind of scenario.
I would give anything to meet my husband as a friend first. I would give anything to make it happen that way. I don’t know how to do that. Like, it is never, I don’t know if it’s ever happened, where I’ve met a potential suitor or, like, a perfect person, in any sort of friend way.
So, anyway, so about dating. Like I said a long time ago, and I meant it, that I was never going to, like, online date again, and I wasn’t going to app date. But I’m always conflicted because there’s something wrong with trying, or there’s something wrong with just sitting back and waiting for something to happen to you. Because that’s kind of what I’ve been doing overall is just, like, waiting to meet the one, which I thought was going to happen. I thought it was going to happen, like, it happens for everyone, right? Like, most people get married, and most people get married pretty young.
I realized, or I decided that it was the wrong way to do it, to just sit and wait for someone to come along, because that’s not working. And so, I decided to, like, take things into my own hands, and if I want to be in a relationship, or if I want to meet that person, I have to go and find them. So that’s what I’ve been doing, and I tried, and now I’m completely frustrated again because I’m realizing that people on dating apps, a lot of them don’t even seem to be looking for love, or they don’t want to do it in the same way.
I’m really behind on how dating works, and I don’t want to date the way that most people want to date. I think where it gets too romantic and too physical too quickly.
This was another thing that I wish I realized, that the way that I fantasize about love and about finding that person, I hate to say, could be unrealistic. But before I say unrealistic, I am out there. I always tell myself this, like, when I start to feel hopeless, I say,
“Well, I’m here, and I’m here in the world, and there’s one of me, and there has to be more than one.”
Like, just the fact that there’s me, there’s pretty much no, there’s nothing in the world where there’s just one of it. And in psychology, you learn that everything is grouped together, like there’s groups of everything, even the, the weirdest, like, fetish or something. There’s thousands of people who are in that category, even if you think that it’s just you. So anyway, that’s a weird example.
Romance
But for me, it’s that I’m romantic, and I value love more than anything in the world, and I am looking for a very specific thing, and a specific kind of relationship, and it’s not for everyone, and I’m learning that it’s not what everybody is looking for, even in, like a relationship scenario, like not everybody is looking for what I’m looking for.
So, so what was I saying from all of that? I was saying, what I’m looking for is, to me, it’s like a very innocent kind of love, like a very, very pure, innocent, child love. It’s, and I wonder if that means something’s wrong with me. I don’t think so, but this is what I mean.
That you can spend time together for weeks, not week straight, not every day, but for weeks or even months. You know this person. You get to know this person. You spend time together. You do all the cute things together, and you move incredibly slowly in the romance and physical side. This isn’t coming from a religious standpoint at all. All this is coming from me, like what I want.
I think that, like, getting sexual too soon or getting intimate, or, or not intimate, but getting physical too soon ruins love. Like, I’m so sorry. I’m not trying to offend anybody. Like, whoever wants to do it that way, like sex first, whoever wants to do it, I don’t judge at all. Like, I used to judge. I used to, but not anymore. I respect it if it works for you. Good for you.
But for me, I love, I always feel like I have to defend myself. And this is something else that I think men don’t know about me, or they assume the worst. But I love the physical side of a relationship. In fact, it’s my favorite part of a relationship, one of my favorites. It’s something that I value and that I want and that I think about. But I don’t just think about it and want it with any old Joe. And it’s extremely important to me.
What I want at, at the beginning of getting to know someone is just to get to know someone. Oh, and that’s another thing. I feel like no men, and this is jaded, and I’m sure it’s wrong. I know it’s wrong, but it feels like at this time that no men in the dating scene are interested in actually getting to know you as a person. Because everybody’s so focused on the physical side, the attraction side, the sex part, the kissing, the everything, the flirting.
All of that is a distraction from the connection and the getting to know each other deeply and the enjoying time together. And, like, people have told me,
“Oh, you’re just a lesbian. You just need a woman.”
That’s not what men are like. I can’t, no, I will not accept that, because I know it to not be true. Now, sure, there’s probably a lot of men who expect to be physical immediately or soon, and who will not put up with anything else. And whatever, I don’t want those men at all.
I am looking for a specific man. I don’t care if I don’t attract all the other men. I would like just one man, please. I’m just looking to find one. And the one that I find is someone who we, we can just enjoy each other’s company so much, and we can enjoy —I’m getting emotional— we can enjoy having conversations together. We can talk all night. We can just talk endlessly. And, like, of course, the physical attraction is there, and throughout the weeks that we get to know each other, we want to, like, kiss each other. We want to touch each other. We’re getting closer to each other. And, like, I mean, there’s not really a timeline that I’m expecting this stuff to happen at. It can happen sooner rather than later, but still, it’s supposed to be slow. It’s supposed to be slow, like the Beauty and the, like, the romance and the passion.
All of that comes from wanting something and not quite being able to have it yet, or like having to wait for it. Like, that’s the good part. And also, like, not pushing yourself past what you feel ready for. Like, I’ve been my entire life pushed beyond what I’m comfortable with and pushed beyond what I want, pushed beyond what I’m ready for. It’s always happened that way. But to get back on, like, the point that I really wanted to make, like, I think I made it, but I’m just looking for this, like, really pure, really beautiful, slow love. And no one seems interested in that. It seems that if I’m not immediately, like, in, if I don’t have this sexual allure to men, if I’m not acting in a flirtatious, fun way immediately, they’re not interested, or they lose interest.
Sexualise
And another part of me, all of this is just, like, I’ve thought about all of this, but please don’t, like, take all of this with a grain of salt, because I don’t know much right now, but I’m struggling. That’s why I’m sharing. Another part is, I wonder if I should present, like, if I should get more in touch with and express my sexual side, or sensual side. I’m not talking about, like, having casual sex at all. I’m talking about just getting in touch with it more. Because I was raised conservatively Christian. I was raised to be modest, and a lot of that was, like, sexual repression and sexual shame, and all of that. And I just, I’ve kind of gone the other way.
You know what’s funny, is that in Christianity, they actually oversexualize women because they kind of tell you that everything about you needs to be covered and held down and, like, repressed, because, like, even your hair is too sexy for a man to handle. So, to an extent, I actually have, like, rebelled. I think that’s part of why I’m so against being sexualized, and why I hate it so much, is I hate when men look at me in a sexual way.
I obviously, I’ve gone over that in the other videos, but I actually, like, don’t want to be viewed as sexy or sensual, because I’m so sick of feeling like men are viewing me in a sexual lens instead of viewing me as a person with a heart and a mind. I actually think I just made that connection that it comes from my Christian upbringing, shockingly, where that’s where I felt the most sexualized, because, like, my ankles were sexualized, and my hair was sexualized, and, like, everything was so.
Now, I like to fight against it by trying to be, I don’t want to be considered sexy. This is so weird. I actually feel like I made a breakthrough just now, that, like, I get so angry, so angry being viewed sexually, and I think it’s because I felt so helpless and angry as a child, in the same way, because they were, like, forcing something on me.
I need to think about this more, but this is really interesting, because, basically, what it comes to is, I’m wondering if I should actually be embracing my sexuality more and expressing it in a, in some way. And I’m not, not sure what way. Hi, baby, you’re so cute.
I’m not sure exactly how to express that. I don’t know. I don’t know. I, I think, like, part of me wants to, like, figure out how to be more attractive to men as a partner, or try to figure out, like, what, why are they, like, not interested? But another part of me is saying they’re not the right ones, because I’m happy with myself the way I am. They’re not the right person. And I’m just really questioning if, where I, I’m not questioning if the man that I want is out there. I’m questioning where he is. Where can I find him? Where are the romantic, sensitive, beautiful men with good hearts?
I mean it, like, I’ve gotten better in my journey because I know that they do exist. They do exist. And I’ve seen couples, where the man is exactly how I want. But I don’t know where they are. Like, there are men who enjoy watching romantic movies. They exist. There really are men like that, and I want to find one of those. And who cares if they’re more rare? That’s what I’m looking for. I don’t know where they are. And because it’s so difficult to find, I’m not sure where I’m going to find them or how.
Am I in the right place?
And, oh, this is another thing. I don’t know if I’m in the right place, like, right now I’m in the Midwest. Midwest men, oh, no offense, no offense, no offense, but they, I, mean, you would know, if you were here, they’re very, I don’t want to say the word “basic,” but, like, very simple. And that’s not a bad thing if that’s what you’re looking for as well. You, you can have a happy marriage that way.
But these people generally just, like, hunting, fishing, and beer, and sitting around the campfire or watching TV, and that’s life, or, or you know, in their boat, and that’s life, going to their job and coming home, and that’s life. And they’re happy with it, and that’s totally fine. No judgment. But that’s not what I’m looking for. When I went to France, gosh, when I went to France, that culture really called to me. And that culture has always called to me. European culture, in general, but France, I went to the parks in France, and I saw all of these people, men and women, my age, reading books, lots of books. And I would see, like, these beautiful men, beautiful men, reading books, and just that, how that feels is so different than men here. I don’t know.
I’m not explaining that, but anyone who’s been to French or France knows. French culture, there’s so something I can say is, like, in France, it feels more sophisticated. Everyone feels more sophisticated. And, yeah, I’m generalizing, but in the cities that I went to, they feel more sophisticated, more like mature, almost more intellectual, more thoughtful, more emotional, and sensitive. I don’t know. That’s just kind of what I felt. And then, like, obviously, France is known to be romantic. So what I wonder is, should I be in France? Should I be in another country? Should I be finding someone in another country? And then it just freaks me out, because I’m like, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be to find the right person. Which, I mean, people say, like, just pursue your own life and your own life goals, and you’ll meet them. But my life goal is to find the right person. And so, I don’t know where to do that.
I don’t know. I’m freaking out. Obviously, you can tell I’m freaking out. But, I mean, overall, I’m pretty happy.
I’m going to end this video. Overall, I’m relatively happy. I am living the life. Nothing bad is in my life at this point, which is great. I don’t have bad things in my life, and I have good friends.
I am single and happy
Right now, I’m pretty happy to be single, but I really would like to meet the man. And not even, like, be in a relationship right now. I actually don’t want to be in a relationship right now. I just want to meet the man and get to know him for months, like, actually just form a relationship, a real one, become friends. I would like to meet the person. And, you know, the really sad thing that I’m realizing is that this could possibly take until I’m 30, 35. It, I may not meet the person for another 5 to 10 years. Like, for someone who wanted to meet the person in high school and be high school sweethearts, and then college, and be college sweethearts, or maybe meet them at 21 and get married, no, 26.
I mean, uh, it’s partially because I’ve made bad choices in my life. And the bad choices is, I attach myself to the wrong people, to the people who I’m begging to love me, when I need to find someone who actually loves me and stop accepting crumbs and get out of relationships sooner if I’m being mistreated. But I’m such a romantic, where when I feel like I’ve met someone who I have a connection with, I just want the relationship to work.
Anyway, this is so much. But, yeah, I think I said it that, like, I realize that there’s less romance in the world than I thought. And, sure, people will rub that in my face and be like,
“What did you expect? Blah, blah, blah. You just live in romance novels and romance movies.”
And, yeah, true. I did watch a lot of romance movies growing up and read some romantic books. But why are those so unrealistic? They’re just about love. Is love unrealistic? I guess maybe, like, I actually even thought this, like, why do I even feel like I deserve in the grand scheme of things, like me as one person in 8 billion people, why do I think that I deserve to find the person for me and have that beautiful love story? Like, of course, I want it. But, but what if it just doesn’t happen for me? I don’t like saying that, like, I just thought that, like, if I wanted it bad enough, that it was going to happen at some point.
I want my partner
But there are people, sadly, people in my YouTube comments who, my heart goes out to you, you never meet the one. You’re, like, you say you’re, like, 65, and you never met the one. You never met the person that you were looking for. I can’t handle that. Sorry. I’m on roller blades on a dock, so I’m getting tripped up. But, yeah, that’s rough. I mean, I don’t know. I’m still going to want it. I’m going to want it. And I’m not going to feel guilty for wanting it. It doesn’t mean that I’m incomplete or that I’m extremely unhappy. It just means that I know what I want. I want what I want. I know what I want. I can want a man. I want a love story. I want my partner. That’s a normal thing to want.
And, yes, I’m being very defensive right now because a lot of people say bad things. It’s getting dark now. Bye.
Why can’t I just have a relationship, like, start with someone where it’s just completely factual, just, like, very open, very honest, very direct? I don’t want to play games. I don’t want someone to play games with me. I don’t want to not know whether or not they’re interested in me. I don’t want to be, like, trying to form the right sentences to get them to reply to me. I just want something that’s so, like, easy and simple, because we’re both just so open and honest with each other.
But people in this dating game, they expect you to play a certain game. Usually, often, you have to flirt the right way. You have to be fun in the right way. You have to give the right first impression. Like, where, I mean, this is, like, it sounds like my other video, but where is that authenticity in dating? Like, where is the meaningful connection? I haven’t, I haven’t found it.
Where, I mean, you know, we’re, like, why, why is it so hard to, to just be open and honest with each other, even in rejection? Like, when I dated a couple of years ago, I would give each man, like, a rejection text if I wasn’t into it after I met him. I only went on a couple of first dates, but, like, if I wasn’t into it, I would say, like, how, like, different things that I liked about him, and, you know, different ways I thought he was great. And then I would, like, let him down gently and say, like, “I’m not really feeling those romantic vibes,” just, like, just such a respectful, nice, open, and honest text. And I would try to leave them with something positive, and often they would not reply. And that was that.
But, like, basically, that I have entered dating trying to be so authentic and so intentional. And I don’t know if other people are this way. I don’t know how genuine other people are. I don’t, I don’t understand it. It’s, I mean, and I’m just doing, ab, dating.
Social anxiety
Another thing I wanted to touch on, but I didn’t touch on it, or I touched on it a little bit, but not enough, is that I’m really, really, really, really struggling with my social anxiety so much with dating. Because a, a car just honked at me, and I’m not sure why. Maybe they were saying, “Don’t rollerblade at night,” or maybe they’re saying, “Ooh, rollerblader.” I don’t know. But don’t honk at me. I don’t know what that means.
So my social anxiety has been this massive, massive hurdle, huge, massive problem in my life, and I’ve overcome it and fought it in so many ways, and it’s a constant battle, constant battle. But the one thing I cannot overcome so far at 26 is my fear of men. Fear of men. I am terrified of men. Terrified of men. Not like, “Oh, they’re going to attack me and kill me,” terrified, but a terrified as in, I’m not even sure. And I was asking myself today,
“Why am I scared? Why is it the fear of rejection?”
I think mainly it’s the way anxiety works with most things. It is simply that I don’t have experience with men, especially men, who I am attracted to. Ever since I was a child, whenever I had a crush, I would hide from the crush. I would not seek out the crush. I would hide from them. And that’s not good. Like, that’s not going to get me into a relationship. And I just had such limited interactions with men in romantic ways because dating was forbidden. And, like, nothing ever happened between me and boys. Ever. I, I just never gained experience.
I made a comparison the other day. You know how nervous you were for your middle school dance, and you danced with your crush, or maybe you had your first kiss in middle school or high school or something. Usually, that’s the case. And how nervous and awkward you were with those girls, that’s, or boys, that’s me now, now. Because that’s the amount of experience I have with men now. But it’s not so cute. For some reason, it’s not attractive.
No, that’s not what I’m even trying to say. It’s getting in my way. Because dating and going on dates with people feels worse, worse than a job interview. It is the most terrifying, most horrible, most awful thing that I can put myself through. I hate it. So imagine, like, entering a date where you’re just, like, dreading it so deeply and so, so scared. Butterflies in your stomach, your brain is completely shut off because of the panic response. You can’t think of any words. You don’t want to be there. Like, even the fact is, like, when you’re more attracted to the guy, and the more handsome he is, the less you want to be there. Like, the more you want to run away from him.
I mean, this is, is in movies. I hope you can understand that a little bit. That, like, if you are really, really crushing on someone or really attracted, you just want to run away. But that does not serve you. And I’ve tried to battle this. I’ve battled so hard to get through it. And I can’t, like, or I am. I mean, I went on three first dates, and I was okay. I was probably better than I have been in the past. But, yeah, not good. All right.